Thursday, 26 January 2012


Is this the female version of Jason Bourne we've all been waiting for?

An female ex-marine now working for a private organisation seeks payback after she is betrayed and set up during a mission.

Who's In It
A lot of big names in this one, aside from our heroine:
Gina Carano - A former American Gladiator turned actress. Who thought this was a good idea?
Michael Fassbender - What isn't he in these days?
Ewan McGregor - What's he doing in this?
Channing Tatum - Something to do between G.I. Joe movies I guess
Michael Douglas - I just think Gordon Gecko every time I see him in a suit
Antonio Banderas - Sporting a full beard
Bill Paxton! A long way from Twister, playing the roll of Dad here

What I Thought
In case you hadn't guessed yet, I didn't think much of Haywire. Yes, unfortunately it's not the female Bourne we've been waiting for.

I will however give credit where credit it's is due. The fighting in most cases comes out of the blue, quite suddenly and is violent, realistic and well choreographed. I'm sure a few stunt people must have hurt themselves doing this film. There's a great fight at the beginning of the movie and then they start the back story.

It's at this point where it jumps around a lot while she explains the back story to some kid she's randomly abducted to help her. It doesnt confuse too much and it's not hard to follow but in addition to this, it switches between black and white and colour during her account. For me it just didn't work. There was also little point to having the kid in the movie, he has little impact on advancing the script.

Extreme car vaulting
After the beginning and back story, the action really dies down and the pace of the movie drops off. When it does pick up again, it's hard and fast. Which leads me to the next thing I didn't like about the movie. There's this jazz music that pervades throughout that sounds like bad 60s porn music. It's there when there's no action and disappears when there's a fight. It allows you to heard the meaty slaps, kicks and punches but there's no feeling of tension that's traditionally built by music. In some scenes, all you can hear is the buzz of the fluorescent lights, which is weird.

On top of this all, Carano is a terrible actress. She's wooden, and conversation is stilted to the point where the silence is embarrassing. She reminded me of Arnold Schwarzenegger in his 80s movies, she can fight, but she can't act or deliver lines. How the hell they managed to rope in the big name actors into this, I don't know, possibly it was director Steven Soderbergh's name (Ocean's 11, 12 and 13).

It also wasn't clear what role Michael Douglas' character played as good or bad. What did worry me was that there could be a potential sequel as a result of his position within the government. Please... no.

At one point I saw a tumble weed rolling in the background, during the air plane hangar scene. This summed up the whole movie for me.

Memorable Quotes
Not many, I've selected a few I smirked at
  • "Whoops, more LEO's"
    "What's a LEO?"
    "Law Enforcement Officer"
  • "I was supposed to be sleeping in late today, not getting car jacked"
  • "You shouldnt think of her being a woman, that would be a mistake"

2/5 - Disappointing. Watch the trailer, it's better than the movie

Makes it look fantastic, believe me it's not

Looking For Something Better To Watch
Another female action movie, that's much better than this, review coming soon


  1. Nice review Steve, I felt the same way about the meandering script and the horrible jazz score. I thought Carano wasn't that bad for a first time actress. She could obviously use a voice coach and some acting lessons but she seemed to be trying harder than the rest of the cast. But man she sure can fight. I liked your comparisson to Arnold or as I like to call him our former Governator.

    1. Thanks! You guys are doing some cool retro reviews lately :)


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